Unharmed

  As any of you close to me know, I am off and on my meds for my "generalized anxiety disorder" quite often usually due to finances. Many times I have said I will just let God have my issue and just not worry about taking it anymore. Naturally, for fear of my mental health {and wonderful ability to go on a week long emotional rampage} most friends and family objected to this idea. So I would get a refill when I got the money again. 

      Well, it has been almost a month this go round without it. I believe 95% has left my body. So I obviously feel some withdrawal, but you know what? I am ok. I am tense, and I am anxious, BUT I am happy. My world is out of whack with personal and financial problems, but that really is ok. You know why? God is in control and no matter what happens here on earth, NO ONE can take Him from me, but me. NO ONE...The worse things go in my life is really for the better because the worse things are the closer God draws me. From an earthly stand point, my life sucks, but from my stand point looking through the eyes of my awesome Lord, I am truly blessed!! Because as I just said, THE WORSE THINGS GET THE CLOSER GOD DRAWS ME. AND  on top of that, the more I suffer, the stronger I become within. This is bad...how?

      You know...before~whenever I did not take my meds stress and anxiety over the tiniest things overwhelmed me to the point of something of a tremendous emotional breakdown that many of you have witnessed. It was all in the fact that I was trying to handle it by myself or through the methods of man=medications that numb the emotions and give you this sense of "happiness" all of the time...

      Tuesday night something happened...I was at work. The meltdown was trying to come into play. I felt the worst sense of non~sensical anger that I have felt in quite some time. I wanted to curse at people or felt like slapping them just because they were there. My insides felt as though they were trembling. I felt this intense sense of sadness and failure. I felt as though I had no reason to be here like I was just a burden upon the world. But I was at work...I could not go on a rampage. I kept telling myself I had to get through this for Emily that my "ruin" could  ruin her.  I began to argue within myself when God spoke up and asked me if I was going to let money problems and some temporary emotions tear apart the blessings He had put into play for me. 

     I worked in the cooler and began to pray. God reminded me what He has pulled me through. He reminded me that when I first became a mother I had no earthly possessions to account for besides the clothing on mine and Emily's backs and a few essentials He provided for us. Friends and family fed and sheltered us for some time. And even more than that, He reminded me that through much emotional and even physical suffering He took away my addiction to narcotic pills and my "need" for marijuana Unharmed{ If I could block out life and become numb to the emotions inside I could make it another day. }. God took me away from that long before I even realized He had any involvement in the making of who I am becoming today.

     I cried HARD for a minute or two on the way home Tuesday night. Then all of the sudden, I just stopped...God questioned me as to why I was so distraught once again. He helped me to realize what I have. He showed me how wonderfully blessed I am. He changed my logic on the way home from work that night...I was sitting at the light at Hwy 72 E and Shields road when I looked to the heavens and said "DUH! What took me so long?" 

     I had an awful migraine come on not long afterward..It was bad~it started in my face and stopped when it got down to my shoulders.

 I prayed and begged God to take this awful pain from me. I was supposed to be looking for a 2nd job. I could not procrastinate.  I was so tense and I wanted to do things MY WAY....if I let go of the wheel it is only bound to get worse. Right? .....WRONG.......I rested that day. I got my migraine somewhat under control by that evening, and as it left, part of myself left with it....

   The next day~sure I felt anxiety and had some concerns for monetary and family issues on my mind as I will for awhile, but I let them go. I no longer feel overwhelmed and smothered with emotions. I feel joy. The Lord is simply leading me> and now that I have stopped resisting and have learned what it means to TRULY let go and let God I feel like a new person. As soon as I feel negative or overwhelming emotions come on, I call upon my Lord and throw Him a pass, and you know what? He catches it everytime. I do not know what He has in mind, but I am a part of a plan~God's plan, and I have no good reason to foul it up because of the worries of this world. That is just not logical anymore.

     So I am handing my fears over to the Lord rather than letting them overrun my life and will be starting school online next week to get a degree in psychology. I laugh at the thought of seeing myself as a confident, stable counselor , but my Lord doesn't, and my Lord does not make mistakes. So I guess I better be the sheep and let the Lord be my shepard. I may have an anxiety disorder, but mind~numbing pills are not going to heal me. The Lord is my Healer and He is going to deliver me to the top of the mountain~Unharmed...  :)