Emily and I were very close from the get go. Many nights ( and days!) she would fall asleep on my chest as I was feeding her and I would just lay back and go to sleep myself. I was learning about real love. It was no longer a hassle to care for a child. Like anyone else, yes, I grew tired and frustrated, but that was ok. I wouldn't have given her up for the world. I wanted to better myself. I wanted Emily to be proud I am her Mommy, not ashamed. I wanted her to keep loving me, and when I felt lonely I prayed for a Godly man to come along who would love both of us, not just one. I set a standard. I was not gonna take what I could get anymore. I did not want Emily suffering for my mistakes. So I brought prayer back into my routine.
I got a job at a factory, but did not hold it for long. I then got a job at a little country store not five minutes from where I currently live. I enjoyed this job. The customers were so friendly! Anyway, one day a familiar face came in. He was a fairly handsome man with beautiful hazel eyes. I had met him once before, many years ago for about five minutes. It had been during the time I was dating Howard. His name was Shannon. He recognized me as well. He appeared excited to see me and gave me a hug. It sort of threw me for a loop, but I felt drawn. So I returned his hug. Mrs. Lynn sent me on my break. So he went out with me while I smoked. Shannon did not smoke. He left with my phone number.
Shannon and I began to date. Sometimes we even took Emily out together.By this time she was around six months old. She began to grow attached to him as much as I did. I told myself I would not fall in love, but I did and the relationship grew physical. Therefore, I wanted my own place. So I found a trailor and Emily and I moved into it. The only furniture we had was Em's baby bed, my bed, and an old tv with no stand. Shannon gave us an old couch of his and several other pieces of furniture. He also helped me keep food in the house, although, he was not living there- at least not full time.
I had found a man mature enough to keep a job with a sense of responsibility and he was falling in love with me. This was one of the most terrifying times of my life. I was so afraid I was going to backslide into my old lifestyle and hurt Emily and probably ruin my relationship with Shannon, but by the grace of God, I didn't. I used the two of them as my motivation to keep my head where it needed to be. Soon I even met his family including his son and daughter. They were such beautiful children who I knew I would love from the moment I met them. I began to confide in Shannon. I told him all about my past so that if any of that was going to push him away I could get it over with, but it only seemed to pull us closer somehow.
Finally, we gave in to our fears and he moved into my trailor and left his to family. Shannon, Emily, and I became like a little family, but I felt like he was leaving Summer and Michael out. So we began to get them more often and made an even bigger family. I thought I was in paradise when my bad instincts started kicking in. Shannon was sleeping with Emily's babysitter and I knew it, but I could not catch them and they both acted like it was my imagination. I let it go on for awhile, telling myself it was my imagination, but after several months, I could not do it anymore. He wasn not only hurting me, but in the long run, Emily could be hurt by this selfish, immoral behavior. So I gathered my strength and I told him I wanted the truth now or it was over.
Shannon told me details that to this day, I wish I did not know. I gave him an ultimatum. He chose me, but I struggled for quite some time. I am not sure why I did not end our relationship. Maybe it was my insecurity, maybe it was my love for him, or maybe it was the thought that came to me as I prayed for God to take my pain- The thought that God was letting me know how I had made Howard and Samuel feel when I turned on them. Only in my situation, Shannon cried for the hurt he caused me and did not turn and leave but tried to earn forgiveness...This was and still is to this day, the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It felt like someone literally reached in and ripped my heart out. For months I balled myself to sleep. I wanted Shannon gone yet I needed him close to help me keep from feeling as if I would suffocate. He supported me all of the way.
And the Lord began to call to me again.I began to pray more often and God began to heal me. A year after the wound, I married Shannon at the courthouse. I continued to stay in touch with God and He continued to heal me and mature me. I began to realize that I had gotten through the last ten years because God was pulling me through. I could have died many times on account of the pills, pot, and alcohol use in an extreme amount. I could have died in the many auto accidents I was involved in due to Samuel being high.I could have gotten AIDs. I could have ended up a homeless pillhead and lost Emily to DHR, but I didn't. Insted I was blessed by God and have found out what it really means to know Him. I would not have it any other way.
Through the continuence of prayer and honest seeking of the Lord I finally connected to Him and was truly saved around six months ago. I plugged into a church to help me build friendships to help keep me strong. I came to discover getting to Heaven is not something that happens by correctly following rules. Heaven is for those who love the Lord in return for His love. He loves all of us and if you invite Him into your heart it will be impossible for you not to love Him back. On top of that those who love Him will be blessed as I have been. I have a now Christian husband, Shannon, and a beautiful family. If God is in your heart, you don't need to worry about any rules. He will guide your steps and pick you up when you fall and make a mistake. Don't let the stictness of worldly churches pull you down. Just reach out and invite the Lord into your heart and read your Bible. He will do the rest. If God is in your heart you will not want to do those things that are wrong anymore. They will no longer be important. If you do not know God, call upon Him right now. He will transform you and your whole life in the blink of an eye. Believe me, I know..
